


Alles Was Ich Bin

by ariapassionflower01



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Porn With Plot, Twincest, there's so much sex I'm not putting all of the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 11:19:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1426549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariapassionflower01/pseuds/ariapassionflower01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bill loses his voice to a cyst infection, both he and Tom's world is rocked. Tom stays by his brother's side the whole time, to comfort him, provide for him, and give him whatever he needs. They've gotten through everything else together, and they have to make it through this too...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The End of Everything

**Author's Note:**

> So I started this story a long time ago, back when I was first an Alien and last night I was in a strange mood, not really feeling anything else that I tried to write or look at. Then I found this with only about two or three pages written on it and I said, "This is perfect!!!" So I went back, edited and revised a little, and then went crazy with the rest of it until about two in the morning and then today. I'm really happy I finally finished this because this was such a major event in Bill's life and I don't see many other stories about it. So I hope you like it just as much as I do!

“ _I would do anything to save him._

_And if anyone can do that, its me.”_

_-Tom Kaulitz_

 

Tom had known something was wrong the moment his and Bill's eyes had locked.

The fans had been screaming so loudly. The venue had been packed. 10,000 people, all there to see Tokio Hotel.

All had been well before they had gone on stage. Bill had complained of a scratchy throat, but nothing they hadn't worked through before. Bill had blasted onto the stage during the first strains of “Ubers Ende Der Welt” and Tom had been had full concert mode. However, the second Bill began to sing, Tom had felt his stomach drop to his feet. Something was wrong. Something was definitely wrong.

By the third song, the entire mood of the venue had shifted and Tom was having difficulty playing. Watching Bill, he could see the distress on his twin's face.

At costume change time, Tom rushed off the stage. A crew member, looking flustered, pulled him aside, “We have to have a meeting. Now.”

Gathering in the small room backstage, Tom, Georg, and Gustav watched with growing anxiety as Bill folded himself onto a couch, looking at the floor. A few of the crew members filed in and there was silence for a good minute. Suddenly, a loud sob filled the room and Bill covered his face with his hands.

“There's something wrong. My voice... I can't... I can hardly...” He choked over his words, appearing lost and distraught.

Tom's stomach dropped even further than it already and he wanted to go to Bill, but felt frozen in his place.

“What's wrong with it?” Georg asked quietly from Tom's left.

“I don't know!” Bill cried out, splaying out his hands.

“Maybe we should get a doctor.” Someone said from across the room.

“No. No!” Bill shot off the couch, his eyes flaming, “I'm doing the rest of the show.”

“But, Bill,” Jost stormed across the room, “That's another ten songs!”

“I have to finish at least this.” Bill said. His voice dipped and cracked and Tom winced.

“Now, wait a second.” He stepped in. “Why don't we just shorten the show, try to finish it out, okay?”

Bill turned to look at him, their eyes meeting. Tom's heart did a nosedive, because looking into Bill's eyes at that very moment, he knew that this wasn't something that could be fixed overnight. Something was really and very truly wrong with Bill's voice.

“Ok, fine,” Jost said, “But he needs to see a doctor.”

It was hard watching Bill pull himself back together to face the fans again, the possibility of the rest of the show looking quite like the first part.

They cut out several of the songs, but Bill refused to leave out “In Die Nacht.”

“As long as I can sing this, I'll be happy.” He murmured, casting Tom a soft gaze. Tom couldn't stop himself from grabbing Bill's arm and giving it a squeeze this time.

Tom had never been so nervous stepping out onto stage before, and the rest of the show was quite strained. Afterwards, Bill was exhausted, physically and emotionally. His voice nearly gone, he collapsed against Tom on the ride back to the hotel.

With the show in Marseille behind them, Tom could only focus on the future now, getting Bill to a doctor and making sure that whatever was happening wasn't permanent.

 

~

 

Bill refused to preemptively cancel the next show in Lisbon, despite the fact that in the next few days, things did not look up at all. In fact, Bill's voice became worse and the doctor's examination's concluded that Bill's had a cyst on his left vocal cord. He'd played 43 lives shows without a break, and the doctor informed him that if he continued on, he could damage his voice permanently. Upon discovering this news, Bill became even more distraught than before, even attempting to run from the doctor's office.

A meeting was called with the band and the producers. Tom expected the discussion to be long and drawn out, but Bill was uncharacteristically quiet, admitting very early on that it was going to be impossible for him to finish out the rest of the tour. There wasn't much else to be said about it, although there was the unspoken question of whether the shows could be rescheduled, if Bill would ever actually be able to perform again. No one said it, but in their hearts, they were all pained to wonder if this could be the end.

It was decided that Bill would be immediately flown back to Germany for medical treatment and that the rest of the band would follow after giving the news to the fans.

The concert in Lisbon was sold out and Tom had never felt so crushed by a crowd, so afraid to speak. He had never been the main spokesman. Bill had always had that job. He had been the one to hold a mic and talk to the crowd as if they were only a few people sitting around and having coffee. Tom didn't know exactly what to say when he was handed the mic, so he just said the honest truth, “Bill is sick.” He told them that Bill was going back to Germany and that they were all very sorry.

Afterward, he felt as if it were film being played in front of him. It couldn't really be him on that stage talking to all those disappointed fans. It couldn't be Bill with a broken voice, not his Bill... it just couldn't be.

 

~

 

The rest of the tour was canceled after an examination of Bill's throat. The tabloids followed, ranging from somewhat truthful to utterly ridiculous. Tom tried to ignore all of them.

He spent the next few days at Bill's side, doing his best to remain strong. It was hard when that had always been Bill's job. Tom felt like he was at sea without a navigator, completely lost, and unable to find the shore. His foundation was crumbling in front of his eyes, that foundation being Bill. It was in these days that Tom began to realize how much he really did depend on Bill. Where would the band be without him? If Bill's voice was truly broken, they would be done. Tom had no inkling of what he would do if he didn't play guitar and he was at even more of loss as to what Bill would do. Tokio Hotel was their life and it was all on the line. Tom knew the pressure that put on Bill and he wished there was some way to relieve it, but there wasn't. Bill would be completely destroyed if he lost his voice. It defined him more than anything else.

But for Tom, it wasn't just about the band. It was about _them_. Bill was the strong one, the leader. He had taken Tom's hand first. He had led them into the tumultuous waters of a sexual relationship that had connected them even more completely than before. He had always been brave. Tom had only followed. 

Tom contemplated all of this as he sat in a chair in the corner of Bill's room one afternoon. The doctor was there. He had recommended that Bill not go out of the house too much so as not to risk further infection. He had made a house call today and Tom knew this was going to be a turning point.

“We can't fix this with medication.” The doctor told Bill.

“What... What do you mean?” Bill asked. His voice was weak and he had been told to make as little noise as possible. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, wearing velor leggings and Greenday tank top. His dark hair was pulled back into a loose bun at his nape, and several strands had come free and now hung around his round face.

“We're going to have to operate.”

Tom nearly lurched out of the chair. This was getting far more serious than he wanted to believe. Surgery? Wasn't that a last resort with doctors?

Bill blinked quickly and Tom could tell he was trying not to cry. “But...” He whispered, his voice cracking painfully.

“The operation I'm going to suggest has been very successful on previous patients.” The doctor went on, as if trying to console, the emotional 18 year old.

Bill nodded slowly, numbly.

“I recommend it as soon as possible,” The doctor went on, launching into a long discussion about dates and times, to which Bill mostly nodded. If it had seemed surreal before, it was now setting in and Tom could only shudder at thought of his little brother going under the knife. Calls were made to the managers and producers, and Jost wearily agreed to make a statement to the public.

Bill hardly said a word as they bid the doctor goodbye. When he was gone Bill and Tom sat in stiff silence.

“What if I'm never the same again, Tomi?” Bill asked quietly, his voice so quiet and strained that Tom could hardly hear him.

“Bill, no.” Tom said, standing from his chair. “The doctor's right. You're going to be fine.”

Bill looked up at him with large, dark eyes. “But... what if...”  
Tom sighed and sat down next to Bill on the bed. He reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing firmly. “We've gotten through everything else together. We're going to make it through this.”  
Bill swallowed and looked down at his lap. His fingers were cold in Tom's grasp. “It would be the end of the band.” He whispered. “All of our dreams... ruined... Because of me.”

“No.” Tom ordered. “Don't think like that.”

“But its true.” Bill cried, his voice lifting despite its fractured state.

“Shh, shh.” Tom hushed him, laying his fingers over his brother's trembling lips. “That isn't going to happen.” Tom said, moving his hand to Bill's jaw and guiding his face towards him. “You're gonna be fine.” He repeated.

Bill sniffed quietly and went into Tom's arms without another word. “Just... hold me.” He whispered. 

“I'm right here.” Tom vowed, squeezing him tighter.

Bill crawled into his lap, wrapping his legs around Tom's waist and burying his face in Tom's shoulder. “I'm scared.” He whispered.

Tom couldn't reply, because he was scared too. He didn't know what would happen to Bill if he lost his voice. He had known nothing else since he was nine years old. Even before that, he had been singing and making up lyrics. Suddenly, it had all been ripped away from him. Tom feared what would happen to Bill emotionally if he couldn't sing anymore.

“Make me feel better, Tomi.” He whispered.

“How?” Tom replied.

Bill leaned back to look into Tom's eyes. “Sing to me.” He murmured, tracing his fingers over Tom's cheekbone.

“Bill...” Tom began. “I can't... you know... as well as you... I mean...”

“Shh.” Bill pressed a finger against his stumbling lips. “I want you to.”

Tom sputtered for a moment longer before he asked, “What do you want me to sing?”  
Bill climbed off Tom's lap and pulled him down on the bed next to him. When they were curled up together on the bed, he whispered, “Sing 'In Die Nacht' for me.”

Tom struggled for another moment, feeling utterly self-conscious. The most singing he had ever done was a few backing vocals during concert and even then, Bill's beautiful, clear voice had mostly drowned him out. Now Bill wanted him to sing one of the most beautiful songs they had ever written together.

“Tom, please...” Bill whispered, his voice rasping.

“Okay.” Tom replied at last, pushed into action by the fear of Bill hurting himself trying to get his way. He cleared his throat and took a few deep breaths before starting off. He stumbled on the first line, cursed himself, and pushed on. Bill snuggled closer to him, humming quietly. Gaining a momentum, Tom went on to the chorus, closing his eyes as he imagined sitting next to Bill on the stage, playing as he sang. Whenever they played this song, Tom always felt a special connection to Bill on the stage. It was always a little part of their bond that they shared with the fans, but now, it was just him and Bill and the lyrics couldn't have rung more true.

When Tom reached the last line, Bill gave a sigh and patted Tom's chest. “Thank you.” He whispered. Tilting his head back to look up at Tom, he asked, “Kiss me?”

Tom bent his mouth down to Bill's without a second's hesitation, connecting their lips sweetly. “Mmm...” Bill murmured against his mouth before his lips parted. His tongue flicked out, tracing over Tom's palate with a scrape of his tongue stud. Tom leaned into him, lifting his own tongue, twining it with Bill's.

For a long moment, they didn't move as their lips met over and over again in one long expression of love. Tom hesitated to press Bill back against the bed and move forward as they typically did. He feared for Bill's emotional state with the startling news and he lifted his head to look into Bill's eyes. They were soft and brown, free of makeup today, almost an exact mirror of Tom's.

“Are you going to make love to me, Tomi?” He murmured, lifting a hand to brush his fingers over Tom's cheek. Tom swallowed hard, turned on as ever by Bill's sweet voice. Everything within him wanted to surge forward, but he paused just one more time.

“Are you sure?” He asked, “If you don't feel up to-”  
“Shh.” Bill pressed his finger against Tom's lips, silencing him, “Kiss me again.” His voice lowered, his dark lashes batting quickly. His breath was quick and shallow when he whispered, “Make love to me.”

Tom needed no further encouragement and he bent his head again, immediately stroking Bill's mouth open. Bill moaned softly, letting Tom's tongue press into his mouth. He arched a leg up around Tom's thigh, undulating softly against him. He was already aroused, barely held back by the soft velore. Tom moaned, sliding over top of him, elbows planted on either side of Bill, their legs intertwined. He shifted his knee up, grinding his thigh along Bill's hardening crotch, pulling a soft, desperate moan from his twin's lips.

“Oh, Tomi...” Bill whispered as their lips disconnected. Tom dragged his mouth down Bill's jaw, pressing kisses down his throat. He placed them there softly and gently, wishing more than anything that he could just kiss Bill's throat better, make the pain and the damage heal with that simple touch.

Bill's hands slid up into dreadlocks, petting over the thick, soft strands as he murmured soft encouragements. Tom skimmed his hand up beneath Bill's t-shirt, dragging the material upwards until he bared one tiny, hard nipple. He brushed his thumb across the sensitive flesh, making it stand upright with one pass of his finger. Bill arched into his touch, his eyes fluttering closed as Tom lowered his mouth to the aching peak. His lips closed around the soft, sweet flesh and he gave a moan. He swirled his tongue around it, sucking softly. He gave Bill not even a hint of teeth, using only the soft caress of his lips and tongue to pleasure him. He would handle Bill with only the utmost care, with all the tenderness he could manage.

He moved across Bill's chest, brushing the other side of his shirt away from his now heaving pectoral. He sucked at the opposite nipple, drawing his tongue back and forth and around until Bill was moaning quietly. When Tom drew his mouth back both nipples were flushed with arousal, hard and wet from Tom's pleasuring.

Bill looked down at Tom, his dark eyes wide, still a bit fearful, but pleading. When he reached out to touch Tom's face, his fingers were quivering. Tom reached up and grabbed his hands, squeezing tightly, “I've got you.” He murmured, pressing a kiss against one palm. Bill nodded, drawing in heavy breaths as he laid his head back. He was blinking quickly, biting at his lower lip as Tom dipped his head against, kissing against his stomach now. His ribs expanded rapidly, pressing up against pale, fragile flesh as Tom's mouth caressed its way down his stomach.

Tom kept a hold of one of Bill's hands, their fingers intertwined tightly as Tom used the other hand to pull down the velore pants. Bill used his own free hand to assist, him, lifting his hips up to allow his cock to spring free of the material. He sank back to the bed, the pants still twisted around his thighs as Tom moved forward, directing his hardened length to his mouth. Bill moaned quietly as Tom kissed his tip softly at first before letting him slide in. He sucked against the head, stroking his base with his other hand.

“Yes...” Bill's voice was soft and quavering as his hips began to push up against Tom's mouth, circling in time with Tom's sucking.

Tom drew his tongue along the underside, slipping it farther up to his tip. He teased underneath the foreskin, finding a little well of arousal there. Bill's undulating faltered and he sucked in a sharp breath, his legs bending up slightly on either side of Tom.

“Oh, yes, Tom,” He whispered, his fingers clenching around Tom's. His other hand moved down into Tom's dreads, pulling him closer. “Want you, Tomi.” He whispered, his voice halting, “It's bad, please, its so bad.” His voice dropped to a moan, then a whine. His hips surged up against Tom's mouth as he dug his heels into the mattress.

Tom backed off of him, hushing him. “Shh, Bill, slow down.”

Bill panted from above, his fingers flexing around Tom's. He dragged his hand out of Tom's hair and over his face, breathing hard. “I need it.” He whispered, around his palm, “Please, Tom... when nothing else in this world is going right, I have this... I have you.”

Tom slid up Bill's body, bringing them face to face. He pulled Bill's hand away from his face. “Trust me, Bill.” He said, stroking a few stray strands of hair away from Bill's forehead. “You have me. I'm right here with you and I'm going to give it you, nice and slow.” Tom promised, looking into Bill's eyes to make him understand. Bill took in a few deep breaths, nodding at last.

“Okay.” He whispered. “I trust you.”

“Good.” Tom murmured as he connected their mouths once more. He reached his other hand down to pull Bill's pants all the way off. Bill moaned against his mouth, his own hands searching for buttons and zippers. He pulled Tom's shirt off before moving on to his pants. Tom kicked them down his legs and moved closer to Bill. Their erect cocks ground together as Tom moved between Bill's legs and cupped one ass cheek to draw him closer. Bill wrapped his leg around Tom, rocking his hips against Tom's as he kissed him harder.

Tom stroked his hand over Bill's buttock, his fingers dipping into the cleft. Bill whimpered against his mouth as he massaged his fingers over the quivering entrance. He didn't attempt to push them inside just yet, but simply petted the little hole until it was quaking beneath his touch.

“Tom,” Bill whispered against his mouth and Tom could hear all the need and desperation wrapped up in that one simple word.

“Let me get the lube.” He whispered, drawing back. He didn't have to go far since they liked to keep it handy. Typically, they had an active, very wild sex life and were prone to random attacks on each other. Today, even though that wasn't the case, Tom was glad to have it close by as he was loathe to leave Bill for much longer than second.

Tom was sure that their sex today was going to be like never before. Neither of them had ever been so uncertain or insecure, needing to be held and touched like Bill needed it now. He was sure that he was going to remember this time for the rest of his life, and that Bill would too. As he returned to the bed with that thought in mind, Tom vowed to himself that if that were the case, he was going to make it the best he possibly could.

Bill was already pulling his legs up, watching Tom with big, dark eyes. Tom slid onto the bed, his eyes running over every inch of Bill's body, right down to the dusky, puckered entrance at his cleft.

“I want to look at you the whole time.” Bill murmured softly as Tom settled back down between his legs. Tom looked back up him and he wanted to squeeze Bill in a hug again because he was possibly the most beautiful, innocent, sweet person in the world.

“Then keep your eyes right here and don't look away.” Tom returned, kissing Bill's knee as he pushed his legs farther apart. With him spread open, Tom uncapped the lube, making sure his fingers were completely soaked before he stroked them down between Bill's buttocks.

“Oh... yes.” Bill's voice was choked.

Tom swirled his fingertips around Bill's entrance, spreading the abundance of lube all over. When he probed his finger at the tiny opening, Bill's muscles were quick to relax, letting Tom's finger in with little resistance. Tom kissed his knee again, drawing his lips down further to Bill's thigh as he pumped his fingers slowly in and out. The lube was thick, making him wet and slick inside and Tom felt his cock twitch against his stomach. He held himself back as he slid a second finger in. Bill quivered and clenched for a moment around the two, making another sound of pleasure.

“Yes, Tomi, oh...” He whispered, “Feels good, feels so good...”

Tom pressed a third finger into him, stretching him a little now. Bill's back arched off the bed and he pressed a foot against Tom's shoulder, moaning quietly. Tom thrust his fingers in at slow but steady pace, pleasuring him deep inside. He could rub at the little, sensitive nub of Bill's prostate now and he watched Bill's with a dark, burning gaze as he did so. Bill arched and whimpered, biting at his lower lip as he gazed down at Tom pleadingly. He urged his hips down against Tom's hand, his body quivering around Tom's fingers.

“I want you,” Bill whispered, his voice raspy.

“Oh, I want you too, baby,” Tom whispered, dragging his lips along Bill's smooth, pale thigh. Bill hips surged up as Tom's mouth neared his cock again. He simply pressed a kiss to the leaking head, however, before he moved up Bill's body. His fingers slipped out of him as he brought his mouth back to Bill's. Bill kissed him back weakly, his full lips practically quivering beneath Tom's.

Bill groped the sheets for the lube, finding and opening it quickly. Tom pressed closer to him as Bill's soft palm surrounded him, slick with lube.

“Oh...” He moaned quietly, pressing his forehead against Bill's shoulder. Bill's hands were so perfect and loving, stroking him like a heavenly creature. He rubbed him all over, his hand pleasuring him through the entire process, fostering Tom's hovering desire into full-blown arousal.

Tom lifted his head and looked into Bill's eyes as he pulled him closer. He pressed his cock up between Bill's buttocks, his head finding the gaping hole. He squeezed one of Bill's tiny ass cheeks in one hand, holding him open as he pressed forward. Bill's brows furrowed, his eyes widening for a moment as Tom breached him. In the next second, his eyelashes were fluttering, his lips parting as Tom sank all the way into him.

“Look at me,” Tom murmured, “look at me, baby.”

Bill panted, his dark eyes struggling open once more as Tom rocked against him, working his cock all the way into the hot, tight embrace.

“Tom, oh,” Bill whispered, breathlessly, as their eyes met once more, locking on. He lifted a hand, cupping one side of Tom's face as they began to move together. Bill wrapped his legs around Tom's waist, holding him close.

Their eyes stayed on each other, reading expressions, thoughts, images of love. Bill's eyes were always so expressive and watching them now, Tom thought he could get lost in those dark, chocolate depths, get pulled straight down into that soft, gently beating heart.

Pressing their foreheads together, Tom cradled Bill's face close, as he rocked in a slow, but steady rhythm against him.

The pleasure built slowly between them and Tom could see each new level of ecstasy reflected in Bill's eyes, the way they widened or blinked quickly. He could feel Bill's soft body quivering against him, around him. His hands grabbed at Tom's shoulders, his nails biting as he gripped him tighter with each passing second.

The sweat was gathering on Tom's back and chest, at his hairline, as labored over Bill's laid out body. The weight of the pleasure rested heavily in his stomach, growing bigger but tighter the longer he thrust into him.

Tom wanted desperately for this moment to go on forever, but with the climax encroaching, he couldn't hold himself back from thrusting harder, bringing their bodies together firmly. Bill's voice rose from steady moans to a high cry. He arched beneath Tom, his head tilting back to show, his long, beautiful neck, glowing with perspiration.

“Yes, Tom, oh, yes...” The words tumbled out of him mouth in a slurred rhythm. His pupils were fully dilated, his lids hazy against the blackened orbs as he gazed up at Tom.

Tom gripped Bill's thigh, riding his leg up higher around his waist as he fucked into him, his cock piercing Bill's wet, wide open body. He was dragging over Bill's prostate now, pushing him deliberately towards the edge. Bill felt apart quickly under Tom's direction, his eyes closing only now as he rose up sharply from the bed. Tom dropped his head now against Bill's chest, breathing in the sweet scent of him as he rolled his hips quickly against Bill's ass. He felt hot cum against his stomach and chest, felt Bill convulse under him. His shivering cries met his ears, sounding too beautiful and sweet to bear. Tom bore down upon Bill, driving himself quickly towards the precipice, sending himself tumbling over the cliff. He plunged into the abyss of pleasure, letting himself go only after knowing that Bill had been fulfilled first. The orgasm started deep down in his stomach, clenching his groin in passionate flame until it exploded outward, burning across his senses like a wildfire. He felt it from head to toe, not one part of his body escaping from the firey pleasure.

He sank down against the sheets, laying himself out next to Bill's still quivering form. Bill turned to face him, clasping their hands together again between them. They were quiet for a long moment, looking into each other's eyes.

“Thank you.” Bill murmured at last. “It was beautiful.”

Tom pulled him closer, laying a kiss on his forehead. “You're beautiful.”

Bill didn't answer that for a long time and Tom had almost begun to drift when he whispered, “Whatever happens, I know you'll always love me.”

Tom wanted to argue with him, to assure him that everything was going to be fine, that the surgery would fix his voice. Instead, he simply returned, “That's right. Always.”


	2. Twelve Days of Silence

 

“ _Tom is like my guardian strengthening me_

_and I can take shelter and support when I'm in trouble.”_

_-Bill Kaulitz_

 

Tom had gone through a lot with Bill, experiencing the hardships of life with his twin at his side. They'd seen their parents' divorce, fought to be recognized as legitimate artists, made their way onto the stage... But Tom knew that the next few weeks were possibly going to be hardest days they had ever faced together. Considering the outcome of the surgery, Tom could only wonder if it could get worse.

Seeing Bill into surgery, Tom did not want to let go of his twin's hand. Bill was putting on a strong front even as he lay in the hospital bed, already prepped for surgery. The hospital gown hung on his thin frame, and he wore no makeup or hair product. The raw image of him made Tom's heart clench. He didn't want Bill to spend the rest of his life like this, because he knew what would happen if Bill lost his ability to sing. He would descend into despair and depression, losing all urges to be creative or flamboyant. Bill had been born to grace the stage, to put on a show and peakcock around for everyone to look at him. If he lost all of that, Tom knew he would never see Bill raise a mascara wand again, watch him form his hair into a perfect palm tree, or agonize over the perfect outfit. Tom feared for his own future and that of the band's, but more than anything, he was frightened for Bill.

He kissed Bill's forehead and squeezed his hand. He told him to be strong and Bill nodded, but his eyes were fearful. When Simone stepped in to hug him, Bill clung to her for a long time, his face buried in her shoulder and her thick, dark hair. She petted his head, murmuring encouragements to him and Tom could hardly bear to watch the heartbreaking scene.

Tom felt like Bill was being torn away from him as he was wheeled away and he wrapped an arm around Simone, holding her close under his arm.

“He's going to be fine.” She whispered, but her voice quavered on the edge of emotion and Tom knew that they both understood Bill well enough to know that this surgery could mean the life or death of not only their musical career, but also Bill's personality and energy.

Georg and Gustav were also at the hospital, along with Jost and several other close crew members and friends. The Kaulitz entourage took up a large portion of waiting room and Tom was glad to have so much support.

Bill refused to spend more than two days at the hospital and Tom took him home where he already had his room arranged for convalescence. The room was already showered with gifts from friends and family, and a plethora of fans' gifts. Bill sat on the bed and read each of the notes, crying quietly at the outpouring of love, even after he had disappointed so many with the cancellations.

The hardest part of the next few weeks was going to be Bill's inability to speak. The doctors did not want him to make even the slightest sound for twelve days and Bill kept a notepad and pencil with him to communicate.

Their front door revolved with visiting friends and family and Bill went through several sheets of paper trying to get out his thanks to everyone who supported them. In the meantime, however, Tom found the silence hard. He was used to Bill always talking, filling the house with singing and laughter at all times. It was strange to be the only speaking and he didn't know if he could stand hearing his own voice for the next twelve days.

Tom stayed at Bill's side at all times, making sure he had everything he needed and that he was comfortable. They went through several DVDs as they lounged together on the bed in quiet, their fingers interlaced.

Tom didn't push sex again and Bill hadn't expressed the desire either and Tom kept his hands to himself. Tom knew that Bill was feeling uncertain, about practically everything in his life, and he just wanted to be there for him, even if it was just to bring him a glass of water or some pain reliever, or most likely another DVD.

They were half way through season two of Prison Break when Bill suddenly picked up his notepad and began writing furiously. Tom sat up on the bed, frowning as he watched Bill's hand move quickly across the page, jotting out a few messy lines. He shoved the notepad in Tom's direction, his brows drawn, his eyes moist. Tom picked up the notepad, reading the words quickly: _I'm going to sing again. I don't care what it takes. I can't live like this the rest of my life._

Tom lifted his eyes from the notepad, taking in Bill's distraught expression. “I know.” He said softly at last. Bill eyes flickered and he grabbed the notebook again, writing out another few lines: _I've worked too hard for all our dreams to come true. I'm not going to let this ruin us. The only reason this happened is because I've worked non stop to accomplish all of this._

“I know.” Tom repeated after reading the words. He wasn't sure why Bill was telling him all of this. He knew already that it was true. Perhaps he was just trying to let out his frustration.

Bill tried to grab the notebook back but Tom held on firm, “Bill, listen to me.” He said. “I know you're saying all of this, but I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that if your voice isn't the same, we could all be done for and its going to be your fault.”

Bill's lips pursed, his jaw clenching. He tugged on the notebook again, but Tom wouldn't let him. “What's going to happen, is going to happen. Whether we like it or not, we can't change what's going to happen in the future. We just have to believe that you're going to be fine.”

Bill brows tilted together and he snatched the notebook from Tom's hand, writing out in capital letters: _SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH_.

Tom smiled and reached up to tweak Bill's round cheek, “That's my Bill.”  
Bill turned his face away, but he was smiling softly. He looked down, doodling over the paper in a few circles before he wrote: _Forget Prison Break. Let's fuck._

Tom's brows raised quickly at the turn of conversation, although his cock quickly agreed with Bill. “Bill, you can't make any noise.” He said, uncertainly.

 _I can stay quiet._ Bill returned, and his eyes were hopeful.

“You? Quiet?” Tom laughed. “When I'm fucking you.”

Bill's brows pulled together, his lower lip protruding slightly. He snapped out a quick reply in heavy, bold letters: _Is that a challenge?_

Tom swallowed hard, his stomach heating up quickly. Bill tossed the notepad aside, his eyes darkening as he crawled forward on the bed. He climbed right onto Tom's lap, kissing him quickly on the mouth. Tom resisted for only a moment before melting into Bill's embrace, his lips opening compliantly to Bill's urging. As soon as his jaw went slack, Bill slipped him his tongue, his barbell scraping seductively along Tom's palate. Tom moaned against his mouth, his hands running up under Bill's t-shirt, over his smooth, flawless back. He stroked every inch of skin, drawing his hands back down to the tiny swells of his buttocks. He was wearing a pair of cotton pajama pants and when Tom squeezed his ass, he could feel the skin warm and naked beneath. He pressed his fingers up between his buttocks, stroking them insistently over Bill's little hole.

Bill tensed in his grip and Tom backed off, afraid to make him involuntarily make a sound. Bill drew his mouth back, his full lips wet and red from the kiss. His cheeks were flushed and he looked more healthy than he had in weeks with the glow on his skin. He couldn't speak but his eyes were raging with emotion that he didn't need a pencil and paper to convey.

Tom tipped him back on the bed, his hands skimming down Bill's body, taking the pajama pants down in one quick motion. Bill bit his lower lip, his eyelashes batting quickly as he parted his legs. His chest was rising and falling quickly under his t-shirt as Tom sat back and tossed his own clothing over the side of the bed – his own t-shirt, a baggy pair of sweatpants and boxers. Bill's eyes ate up naked flesh, their dark brown depths lighting with desire as Tom leaned over him.

He ran his hands over Bill's thighs, pushing his legs up and apart, baring everything. He dipped his head down, kissing over the underside of Bill's hardening cock, giving his balls a good lick before trailing his mouth down to Bill's puckered hole. Bill arched upon the bed, his body tense as Tom sucked at the bud of flesh, probing with his tongue. Bill's heels came down upon Tom's shoulders, almost pushing him away as he writhed in silence. Tom, however, went with the rising up of Bill's body, dragging him up and holding his feet steady on his shoulders with his butt resting against Tom's chest as pressed his mouth back down against Bill's testicles. Bill was almost upside down now, only his head and shoulders on the bed as Tom sat back on his heels, sucking softly on the taut orbs, first one and then the other. Bill's hands batted at the sheets, his toes curling over Tom's shoulders in response to Tom's suckling. Tom, however, only lifted him higher, spreading his ass cheeks apart to dive his mouth down into the soft, sweet cleft again. Bill's hips twitched and bucked against his mouth as the laved a tongue along his entrance, making the flesh clench and quiver. Bill smacked at Tom's thigh now, his eyes gazing up his body pleadingly at Tom, wide and desperate.

Tom let him down, only to flip him onto his stomach, dragging his hips up high. He grabbed Bill's buttocks, spreading him open to his widest point as he captured the pink, little pucker in his mouth once more. He sucked, let his teeth scrape a little of the sensitive flesh before diving his tongue down into him. Bill arched, his hips ducking towards the bed as he scrabbled with the sheets, but Tom wouldn't let him. He held his hips up firmly, laving at his inner walls until Bill was rocking back against him, the only way he could express his pleasure. Bill propped himself up with one arm, his other hand disappearing beneath himself. Tom closed his eyes and he could hear the sound of friction, flesh against flesh as Bill touched himself. Tom could see it in his mind, Bill's long, delicate fingers working around that hard, thick column of flesh until it oozed pearly arousal.

To anyone who claimed that Bill had nothing of significance in his pants, Tom could only laugh, because Bill was quite gifted as he was in any area of his life. If only all the critics could see the way that lovely member could rise up, produce the most abundance of arousal, even wreck another person in the fires of passion, they wouldn't be so quick to call him a woman, or lay out judgment on his androgynous tendencies.

Tom gripped Bill's ass harder, plunging his tongue in deeper. He went for Bill's prostate, stroking his tongue over the wanting bit of flesh. Bill arched against him, his head dipping down sharply against the mattress. His buttocks clenched in Tom's hands, his body quivering around Tom's embedded tongue. His started to quiver and Tom could see his hand arm working faster. His heart racing, he flipped Bill over onto his back. Bill's hand faltered, his eyes staring up at Tom widely.

“Show me,” Tom rasped, pushing one of Bill's legs up and drawing his fingers down between his buttocks. “Show me how you touch yourself, baby.”

Bill's brows slammed together, his teeth biting over his lower lip as he grabbed himself once more. Tom plunged his fingers into Bill's hot, tight body on the slickness of his saliva, stroking them in deep. He went right back to Bill's prostate, torturing him until his hand went into motion, dragging quickly up and down. His wrist flicked with every few pumps, his thumb rising to stroke over his head, circling up underneath foreskin. Tom could see the tiny, leaking slit as Bill stretched the flesh back and his groin ached, on fire with desire, so completely turned on by the sight of Bill touching himself.

He began to writhe beneath him, his eyes slamming shut. He clenched his jaw shut, holding back the urge to cry out as he worked himself to the edge, Tom's fingers escorting him the entire way. Tom watched Bill crumble, his body falling apart to the destruction of the orgasm. He jerked upward, his body clenching down on Tom's fingers as he came, his arousal spilling from his tip. It drenched his stomach and hand, dribbling down over his knuckles as he descended from the height of pleasure, breathing hard.

Tom could himself panting as well, overwhelmed by the sight of Bill arching and writhing soundlessly, the orgasm tearing him apart in silent perfection.

Bill sank to the bed, his eyes opening in slits. His eyes were hazy, his cheeks flushed from the climax as he reached out for Tom. Tom slid down over him, pressing kisses against Bill's forehead and cheeks, “Oh, baby, that was beautiful.” He murmured against Bill's mouth. His own cock was still hard, rubbing up against Bill's thigh with a persistent prod.

Bill bit his lower lip, meeting Tom's eyes. He couldn't say anything, but Tom could still read the message he was trying to convey.

“You want me to fuck you now?”He asked, stroking his thumb over Bill's full lower lip. Bill nodded slowly, his eyes simmering likes coals.

Tom reached across the bed quickly for the lube that was in the bedside table drawer. He pulled it out and returned to his place between Bill's legs, already uncapping it. Bill, however, turned over, pushing his ass back up towards Tom.

“Oh, fuck,” Tom whispered, arousal surging even hotter through his veins at the sight of Bill's little, hole already red and pleasured from Tom's fingers, ready to be violated all over again. He lubed himself quickly and got up behind Bill, pressing his cockhead up against the entrance which quivered and parted for him. He pressed forward, his eyes squeezing closed as Bill's hot, tight body enveloped him. He sank deep and Bill accepted him completely before closing back up tight around his base.

“Oooh...” Tom moaned, low in his throat and he wondered how well he would fair if he couldn't speak while having sex with Bill. It was strange not hearing Bill make the all the wonderful, numerous sounds he typically did when they had sex, but it was no less pleasurable, no less desirable.

Tom leaned over him, adjusting his grip on Bill's hips and holding him steady as he began to rock against him, connecting their bodies sweetly. Bill's back arched, the smooth, pale flesh curving deliciously. Tom drew a hand down Bill's spine, his fingers stroking each dip and rise of his vertebra until he reached his tailbone. He kept his hand planted there as he thrust into Bill, watching as the fragile flesh stretched and parted around him each time.

Ahead of him, Bill pressed his face down against the pillows, dragging one up against his mouth as Tom pressed into him, touching all of the right places.

After the rocky, emotional turmoil of the past few days, they both needed this more than anything, their connection binding them together even in the worst of circumstances. Tom was nothing if not needy, his body throbbing for Bill after the week of strained celibacy. Bill was only desperate, needing his brother's reaffirming touch, the stability of his able pleasuring, the assurance of his love.

Bill arched, his body rising up as Tom touched down deep inside him, his cock pressing up against his prostate. Bill grabbed onto the headboard, holding himself steady there as he thrust back into Tom's demanding thrusts. Tom moaned out, his face pressing against Bill's thick, black hair, his hands stroked up over Bill's sides as he ground his hips up against Bill's ass.

“Smell so good.” He panted in Bill's ear. “So fucking beautiful.” Bill shivered in his hands and Tom slid a hand back down to Bill's cock, one hand encircling his erection that was already rising again. He stroked him quickly, nursing the arousal with the efficient touch of his hand. Bill tossed his head back, his face twisting in pleasure. He was sucking in desperate breaths, his body quivering all over.

Tom pressed his face down against Bill's neck and shoulder, holding him tightly as he worked them both closer and closer to orgasm. He didn't try to drag out or prolong his orgasm, because he knew Bill just needed this, even if it came desperately, wildly, and quickly.

Soon, Bill's little hips were flicking back and forth, first to meet Tom's hand and then back to meet his penetrating cock. Between the two sensations, the passion swelled , a sweet friction burning deep inside him. Tom felt as if Bill's body were getting hotter and hotter, tighter and tighter, around him with each passing second, and he moaned aloud as the pleasure twisted his groin into hot, taut knots. He drove forward, desperately, despite his weakening state, pushing them both to the edge of orgasm. They tumbled over quickly, rising up almost simultaneously, on the tide of pleasure. Bill's body clamped down upon him as the tremors rumbled through him, quickly pulling Tom into the same storm of desire and blinding pleasure. He crushed Bill against his chest, his long, quavering sobs muffled into his twin's hair and skin. Bill remained quiet, his eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched as he thrust and quavered in Tom's embrace.

The sank down together, weak and shivering from the strength of the orgasm. Tom's heart was pounding hard in his chest and Bill's eyes were already drifting shut as they settled down together on the sheets. He fought to keep his eyes open, blinking slowly with heavy lids, as he gazed up at Tom in utter adoration. Tom smiled back at him, stroking on cheek and then beginning to run his fingers through Bill's long, soft hair. Bill's eyes drifted all the way shut, his breathing slowing, becoming deep and steady.

Tom watched him for a long time, a million thoughts running through his head. One kept resurfacing and Tom held onto the hope of it tightly, _He has to sing again... no matter what, he has to..._

 


	3. To Sing Again, To Laugh Again

 

“ _Du bist alles was ich bin_

_und alles was durch meine Adern fiest.._

_Ich will da nicht allein sein_

_Lass uns gemeinsam_

_In die nacht..._

_Halt mich sonst treib ich alleine in die nacht_

_Nimm mich mit und halt mich_

_Sonst treib' ich alleine in die nacht”_

_-Bill and Tom from In Die Nacht_

 

It had been a long, hard, twelve days getting here and Tom had never been so fearful. They had been through a mixture of emotions, ranging from depressed, to angry, to determined, to afraid. They'd had tears, they'd had long discussions, sex and cuddling, one-sided arguments while Bill wrote furiously on his notepad.

Tom was exhausted, and Bill even more so.

But now, sitting in the doctor's office, Tom could feel his heart racing in his chest and looking at Bill's face, he could see the fear written plainly on his twin's features. Now was the moment of truth.

“All right, say something.” The doctor encouraged.

Bill nodded, taking a deep breath. Tom had teased him in the beginning that when this moment came, Bill would begin yammering again like he had never stopped, but now, his twin just looked at Tom silently for a moment. He opened his lips, shut them again.

“Start with something easy.” The doctor said kindly. “Something, you've known for a long time. The alphabet perhaps.”

Bill nodded more and licked his lips. He bit at the lower one before, saying, softly, “A,” It was quiet, but Tom's heart leapt at the sound of Bill's voice. “B,” Bill said with more confidence, “C, D, E, F...” By this point, he was at full voice and Tom was could feel his heart swelling because he sounded just the same as before the surgery, just like his Bill...

“Ok,” The doctor was smiling, “Try words now. The days of the week.”

Bill was smiling now, his face lighting up like it hadn't in weeks, “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...” His voice trailed off and he turned his eyes to Tom, smiling wider, “Tom,” He said, speaking his name for the first time in almost two weeks. Tom wasn't an easy crier, but in this situation, he had to fight hard to hold back the emotion galloping through his chest.

Bill shot out of the chair and Tom found himself with an armful of Bill in the next second, hugging him and clinging tightly, “Tom,” He whispered again in his ear. “I can speak, I can speak.” He panted over and over, his voice thick with emotion.

Tom held him tightly, smiling like a fool at the doctor who was also grinning.

They still had a long road ahead of them with voice therapy but the future had never looked so hopeful and Tom was ready to face it head-on.

 

~

 

Tom watched Bill unwaveringly, the guitar heavy in his hands from where he sat on the couch. He was ready to strike the first cords when Bill gave him the cue and his fingers were already poised over the strings. Bill paced uncertainly in front of him, worrying at his lower lip, picking at his acrylics.

It had been one thing to speak again, but it now was the true test of the surgery. Tom was certain that all would be fine, just as speaking had been. Bill had been moving through his voice therapy quite well and doctors were quite impressed with his recovery. They had told Bill that he could try to begin singing again, but Bill hadn't tried to attempt it until he and Tom were alone in a room together.

“Bill,” Tom said, softly. “Its okay.”

Bill stopped across the room, meeting Tom's eyes with his own wide, brown ones. “I know.” He said, though sounding uncertain.

“Its an easy song.” Tom assured him. “We've been singing it for a while now, and its going to sound just like before, okay?”

“Okay.” Bill said, taking in a deep breath.

“Okay,” Tom repeated, strumming the pick over the strings. Bill took in another breath as Tom began the first strains of In Die Nacht. He watched Bill as he came to first line of the song, pausing to let him jump in on his own time.

“In mir,” Bill began, his voice wavering at first, “wird is langsam kalt...” Their eyes met and Tom smiled, unable to keep back the wide grin as Bill's voice rose, “Wie lang konnen wir beide...” Bill began to smile too, his eyes sparkling as the progressed through the first verse. Bill's voice filled the room, ringing out clearly above the guitar as he sang, “Du bist alles was ich bin und alles was durch meine Adern fiest!” He sang directly to Tom, pointing towards him and putting on his singing face, brows drawn, eyelids hazy. Tom smiled so hard his face hurt and he dipped his head, strumming the guitar harder as they went on to the chorus. When he looked back up, Bill was stepping closer to him, singing softly now as he stroked a hand over Tom's cheek, “Lass uns gemeinsam,” He sang softly, reaching out pushing the guitar off of Tom's lap to take its place. He settled himself there with his arms wrapped around Tom's neck as silence took over the room. “In die nacht,” He murmured and pressed his lips against Tom's. Tom gathered him close in his arms, kissing him deeply with as much passion as he could muster because he knew he had his twin back, fully and completely.

Bill pushed him back on the couch, leaning on the back as he kissed Tom harder, pressing his mouth open. Tom leaned his head back, licking back at Bill's intruding tongue. He rubbed his hands up and down Bill's sides, squeezing the soft, pliable flesh just above his hips and pulling him closer. Bill's thighs squeezed on either side of him and he released a soft moan against Tom's lips.

When their lips parted at last, Bill pressed their foreheads together, looking into Tom's eyes. His lips were pulled up in a shy grin, teeth biting at his lower lip.

“Told you.” Tom murmured, nuzzling their noses together and kissing him softly.

Bill giggled quietly, before he leaned back, laughing louder. He looked so beautiful, his cheeks rounded in a smile, eyes scrunched up. Tom couldn't help but smile back.

“I can sing again!” Bill cried out with joy, jumping off of Tom's lap to skip around the room, clapping his hands. Tom watched him with amusement, but deep down, he was just happy, because he knew that if the outcome of the surgery had been different, he would have never seen Bill dance with such gladness again.

“I can talk and I can sing!” Bill proclaimed, throwing out his hands on either side of him and spinning around. “I can sing and I can shout!” Tom laughed as Bill came out of the spin, his hair dancing around his face. “I can tell you just how much I love you.” Bill said, clasping his hands in front of him and dipping his head to the side with a little smile, “And you can make me scream as loud as you want.” His eyes sparkled when Tom's expression went slack-jawed, before he turned and skipped out of the room. Tom scrambled after him, following Bill up the stairs and towards the bedroom. It was a race by the time Tom caught up to him, tackling him to the bed.

“You want me to make you scream, yeah?” He asked, pinning Bill down on his stomach by sitting on his little butt. Bill squirmed beneath him, glancing over his shoulder with pink cheeks and wide eyes.

“Yeah,” He whispered, “Make me scream, Tomi.” He wiggled under Tom again and Tom slid off of him and down between his legs. He took ahold of the flimsy sweatpants that Bill was wearing and yanked them down in one quick motion. Bill's bare ass wriggled into the air, tempting Tom so deliciously.

He tore off his own clothes and took up the lube, his desire raging only moments into the encounter. He uncapped the lube squirted it directly onto Bill's flesh, causing him to squeal at the cool splash of liquid. He rubbed it over his entrance, stabbing a finger in immediately. Bill keened into the mattress, whining already as Tom began to pump first one finger in and out, before adding a second in quick succession.

“Oh... oh, yes...” He panted, his hips riding back up against Tom's hand as he stroked his fingers in hard and fast. “Yeah... want you to fuck me like that,” He moaned, causing Tom's cock to go painfully tight. With his voice back, Tom knew that Bill was never going to shut up now, and for once, he didn't care.

“I'm gonna do better than that.” Tom promised, pushing a third finger into Bill's straining entrance.

“Oooh...” Bill moaned, his ass rocking back against Tom's hand, circling desperately as Tom fucked his fingers into him long and hard. “Oh, Tomi, please...”He groaned. He writhed on the bed, his legs squeezing together as he dipped down against the mattress.

“No, no, no.” Tom dragging him back up, “Spread those pretty legs.”

“Oh, oh...” Bill panted, drawing his body upright again and inching his thighs apart.

“Wide.” Tom ordered, pushing his fingers in deep and drawing a moan out of Bill. Bill spread his knees wider on the bed with Tom's fingers still deep inside him and Tom moaned as he squeezed, then opened around the digits.

“I want you just like this.” Tom rasped as he gave Bill a few parting strokes of his fingers before he slid them from his now wet, aching, open body. Bill whined against the mattress as he waited for Tom to lube himself. When he was back up behind him, Bill gasped and rutted back against him as Tom's cockhead pressed along his cleft.

“In me, Tom, in me.” He groaned, undulating against Tom's hard cock. Tom grabbed his ass cheeks, holding him open as he pressed his head against his quivering hole. “Oh, yes, yes,” Bill panted, quivering as Tom plunged into him. He began to grind back against Tom almost immediately, arching his beautiful back and ass with the first thrust.

“God, Bill,” Tom groaned, lowering his head. He was the one that was supposed to be making Bill scream, not the other way around.

He grabbed onto Bill's hips and began to work his cock into Bill's yielding body. He was hot and wet, surrounding Tom with a velvet embrace. Tom paused for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut, before taking off again. He ground down into Bill's ass, using every flick of his hips and penetration of his cock to its fullest to make Bill writhe and moan under him.

“Tom, please,” Bill was whining in under a minute as his long nails clawed at the sheets, “Tom, please... wanna cum... Please, its so bad. Need to touch...”

“No,” Tom murmured, grabbing Bill's hand that was trying to make its way underneath himself towards his cock.

“Tom,” Bill cried out as if anguished. Tom didn't reply; he just rode him harder into the bed until Bill was practically flat against the sheets, only his hips arched slightly off the bed as Tom drove into him. Tom held onto Bill's wrists, keeping them pinned to the bed as he pumped his cock in and out of Bill's compliant, quivering body.

Bill cries rose, husky and desire-torn, pleading Tom over and over again. That voice was like music to Tom's ears and he slowed his pace, making Bill cry out all the more. He kept the pressure on Bill's prostate, rubbing it with quick, insistent pulses of his hips until Bill was nearly sobbing into the sheets. His arms strained under Tom's hold, his body quivering as he neared orgasm. When he came, he came loudly, not holding back at all when Tom pushed him over the edge. The sounds sent shivers crashing down Tom's spine and he lowered his head, pressing it against Bill's back as he thrust harder into Bill's quivering, spasming body. He found his own pleasure in a short amount of time, not willing to come in silence again, without Bill's beautiful voice in his ear. The orgasm was hard and strong, taking over his whole body for the duration, forcing him into uncontrollable twitches and thrusts. He filled Bill's ass with hot rush of cum, completing their union once more.

When he rolled off of Bill, his twin cuddled up next to him, humming softly. Tom closed his eyes and petted Bill's hair, listening to the soft sound of Bill's voice. He was drifting, but the tune didn't sound familiar, however, it was comforting. Before Tom fully slipped away, he heard the words forming, something sweet about cocoons, suns and moons, shadows and light - a place that no one else can touch...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to you if you know what song Bill was singing at the end;)


End file.
